I Throw Like a Girl

Martha Doesn’t Live Here

Posted by Carol on October 9, 2008

Martha Stewart definitely does not live here. 

I decorate for Christmas.  That’s all.  It takes every ounce of my decorating ability to deck our halls as festively as I possibly can.  Some years I even put up two Christmas trees.  I know that is small potatoes for some of you obsessive decorators out there in Bloggsville, but for me, it’s all I can do without my head exploding.

One year, I went to Costco and bought a wrapping paper kit that included little miniature bells, snowflakes, wooden soldiers, and the like to adorn the gifts. On Christmas morning my family was in awe. In hushed tones, they still talk about the year that Mom even decorated the presents. 

I am not totally inept at decorating my house for everyday life.  I can pick out paint and curtains and accent pieces with the best average of them.  It’s just the holidays that knock me for a loop.

My sister-in-law has been a preschool teacher for many years.  As a result, she has decorations for every holiday known to man and she uses them.  At the appropriate time of year,  you can walk into her house and see happy green leprechauns for St. Patty’s Day or cute little Easter bunnies complete with an Easter tree decorated with colorful Easter eggs hanging from its branches.  And at Christmas, forgetaboutit.

My own sister inherited the Martha Stewart gene, as I call it.  She is all crafty and creative. She stamps her own greeting cards, arranges flowers, and knows how to sew.  She is also three years younger than me.

Life is so not fair. 

When I want to either buy a new piece of furniture or hang something new on our walls, my husband has to call my sister to get her opinion.  Only if she gives her OK to my decorating ideas do we move forward. But unless I am making some heinous decorating faux pas, she usually sides with me.

My kids have asked me if we can decorate for Halloween this year.  I really do not want to decorate for Halloween.  I am not morally opposed to Halloween per se.  But the thought of purposely putting gross and ugly decorations all around my house does not appeal to me at all. 

I have a hard enough time with pretty, non-gag inducing decor.

I thought I had the problem solved when I sent my husband over to get some free corn stalks that were left over decorations from our neighborhood block party.  I placed them on the wooden posts of our front porch and on our lamp post. 

I began to feel all Martha-like inside. 

Later that same day, at the grocery store, I saw these adorable miniature pumpkins in both orange and white as well as some Indian corn.  So, inspired by my corn stalks, I bought some and a pumpkin pie scented candle to boot.

I brought them home and made a nifty little arrangement on my kitchen table.  I thought I had done a good job and my husband commented on how happy and festive our kitchen looked. That’s what happens when you keep their expectations low. 

Darling Daughter even approved, but informed me that I had made a critical error.  I had decorated for Fall, not Halloween. 

I was hoping no one would notice the difference.

Back to the store we went and picked up some fake cobwebs and bloody hand cling ons to put on the windows.


(Go to I am Blissfully Domestic for ideas you can actually use!) 




15 Responses to “Martha Doesn’t Live Here”

  1. Beverlydru said

    I’m with you sista. I have been seeing all these pictures on blogs in the last month of fall decorations and it never once occurred to me to buy some. I’ll just admre theirs. And yours. Except no pictures of bloody hands. I might faint.

  2. Merrie. said

    Aren’t children wonderful? They sure keep us straight! Now, my husband calls our daughter for “permission” before he allows me to do things. I have even resorted to saying, “Rebekah thinks it is a GREAT idea!”… to which, he then goes along with whatever it is!
    I’m not much on the halloween thing… I “can” do fall (I say that very loosely). I do Christmas. It’s too much getting out, putting out and then putting up… I’m worn out for the rest of the year!

  3. Farrah said

    Lol!! Great post and extremely well written! 🙂

  4. […] Martha Doesn’t Live Here […]

  5. Decorating the presents! lol That’s great!

  6. mary beth said

    I believe you have made Martha’s evil twin jealous.

  7. Lorie said

    Hey, decorating for FALL is GREAT! You can keep it up longer!!

  8. franticallysimple said

    I like fall decorations. Thanksgiving is getting lost in the post-halloween Christmas season. Ack! Keep fall alive!

  9. Ha, that is exactly what my son tells me. It isn’t decorating for Halloween unless there are spiders or something scary involved!


  10. I don’t have the Martha Stewart gene either. I’m just now getting into sewing and have produced two very nice tote bags, but I would love to create Christmas hangings and table runners. Unfortunately, I am totally intimidated by all the appliques.

  11. ::Sylvia:: said

    LOL. Great post. I have to admit Martha has some great ideas but most of them aren’t very practical. Her recipes especially; you have to go on a scavenger hunt for the spices!! 🙂

  12. You go there Martha! At least your husband calls your sister before final design. Mine just says, “Get me an estimate.” We are not the handiest couple in the world.

  13. feelslikehomeblog said

    Good for you! I’m also decorating-challenged, although I’m very crafty in general. I just can’t seem to find the time to decorate most years, even for Christmas. I’d love to see pictures of your decorations. 🙂

  14. Martha doesn’t live at my house either. I’m the queen of bad decorating, but I’ve made my peace with it. Your post made me laugh and nod in recognition. It’s good to know there are others who are decorating challenged.

  15. “Hi, my name is Melanie, and I wannabe Martha.” It’s the first step to recovery. I get two of her magazines (Martha Stewart Living and Everyday Food) and fully intend to use her ideas but usually fall short every month.

    I have a dream that one day I’ll have vases filled with beautiful, fresh clippings from my garden on every table and the cat won’t knock them down or chew on them or bat them to the floor for the dog to rip to shreds throughout the house. I have a dream that my furniture will be free from scratches, markers, stains of all sort…I have a dream!

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